Where’s My Money Bitch? A Mark Zuckerberg Article
After hearing about yesterday’s disastrous financial news – I dropped a completely mind blowing article on mobile marketing applications (to be unveiled by www.doublelinx.com in the future) and decided to focus instead on the “grand vision.” Who wasn’t devastated to learn that the self-made billionaire at the helm of Facebook has already lost 7 billion dollars of his own fortune since going public? I figured that since Zuckerburg’s vision had already done so much to connect followers with friends – completely changing the way people interact with one another – I found myself inspired by his selflessness to drop everything and focus instead on figuring out what I can do to help the young billionaire recoup his losses.
The influence of Facebook is undeniable – yet the current obstacle lies with “how” the majority of followers access Facebook – nearly half do so through a mobile device, thus avoiding most advertising efforts. In the spirit of friendship and MZ’s mission I’m freely offering some suggestions.
According to legend, in the early days, Zuckerberg’s business card read, “I’m CEO, Bitch.” Out of a necessity to return to this earlier, innovative, founding attitude I’m introducing some mobile, gangsta-guerilla tactics:
1) Quick Response (QR) Codes – Create “Save Mark Zuckerburg’s Billions” (SMZB) t-shirts and sell them in trendy stores in college/university towns and cities. Upon purchase, not only will 10% (an altruistic guess) go right into your pocket, but the t-shirts will also come equipped with a QR code linking your dedicated follower to the SMZB URL, providing up-to-the minute data on the status of your diminishing wealth.
2) Implement Google Goggles on the mobile login page. For the dedicated follower who is incapable of staying away from Facebook for even short periods of time, force them to take a picture that will create a visual query allowing you to further customize your already targeted marketing techniques. Some examples – for the drinking/dining/shopping follower – they can take a picture that will capitalize on the brand(s) in front of them – whether that be a bottle of wine, the name of the restaurant on the menu, the clothes they’re buying, a prescription bottle, etc. These people are already sharing minute details of their lives; surely they’d be happy to share more to maintain an “on the go” Facebook fix.
3) Okay I know this is a stretch but if nothing else, through a celebrity six-degrees-of-separation, you know Justin Timberlake. Capitalize on that relationship and record a song with JT; surely you won’t have to really sing. So long as Shazam, the mobile based, music identification service, communicates to fans that the two of you are the artists responsible…. I mean, JT brought sexy back; surely he can help you resuscitate your company?
4) Last resort, back to basics approach here – when the mobile user logs in don’t give them the option of downloading an app – make them! Show them real transparency in marketing: You’re going to download this app whether you want to or not, and you’re going to buy from the company\product highlighted, increasing my ad revenue, and you’re gonna like it! I’m the CEO, Bitch!
I understand the techniques listed above have a dark side, but – this is Facebook! They have all the friends and followers any business owner could ever dream of – they manage the audience! The time has come MZ, for you to get all in on the action: to become a digital pimp and use all your friends/followers as your digital ho’s! It might not be cool, but how cool is losing 7 billion dollars?
P.S: I don’t even have a Facebook account. I prefer to mismanage my friends the old-fashioned way: while drinking large amounts of cheap Riesling and drunk texting them at 2a.m. Feel free to drunk email me: firstname.lastname@example.org